Treat them like dogs

Treat 'em like dogs. That appears to be the latest line from Government when it comes to kids. Send 'em to school for 50 hours a week and then they'll be knackered.

That's what you do with dogs, isn't it? Tire them out to the point that they'll just crash in the corner, guaranteed not to poo on the carpet or chew up the sofa.

In an instant, I reckon Alan Johnson has solved all the country's anti-social problems. Children come home from school with too much energy. That's why they maraude around at night, makin mischief, having under-age sex and trying to work out how to get a quick swig of Woodpecker cider.

Make the school day longer, even if it is just adding an after-school club for the teens to run around in for an hour or so, will ensure they just go upstairs and lock themselves in their rooms and go to sleep. Even staying up to get a sneaky peak of some pseudo-porn on Channel 5 will be too much for their sleepy eyelids.

Forget having to bury your poor primary school test results, Mr Johnson. The youngsters will live in fear of having to work even longer in future if they fail.

And why stop there? If they refuse to behave when out with their parents, they should be made to wear silly little checked coats.

What about healthy eating? Simple, serve it up in a bowl - on a table, not on the floor, that would be cruel - and if they at first refuse to eat it, just leave it. They'll get hungry eventually. And they'll know better than to leave it next time.

And if there's any chance they are about to disappear down to the shops to stock up on Crunchies, just stick a lead on them. The lead could also be handed to teachers to stop them getting to the school fence at lunchtime where naughty mums are selling chips through the railings in the name of 'choice.'

That's what kids should get. A Dog's life. In the truest sense of the word. And if they don't fit in, well, there's always a greyhound 'rehoming centre' nearby.