Conference crackers

THERE'S something rather odd about the Labour Party conference these days, and it's not just because this year it has strayed away from the seaside.

Where are the politicians? Other than the Labour Party's frontbench of course, marshaled as they are into position to give glowing applause to whoever is on the stage regardless of whether or not they'd urinate on them if they combusted in a House of Commons corridor.

I know at least half a dozen MPs who really can't be arsed going to Labour's Party Conference anymore. And before you ask, they all are in the Labour Party. I know of several constituency Labour groups which can't find delegates to go along. Not because they don't have any active members, but because none of them think it's worth the time.

I covered the 2003 Labour Party conference in Bournemouth. Lovely hotel (it had four windows overlooking the sea, three of which were in my 'family suite'/loft). Nice restaurants. Interesting group of people in the 'lobby' who I got to know. But what about the politics? Well, I seem to remember Alistair Campbell was in the headlines and under pressure for his role in the David Kelly affair, and a row broke out about pensions. But apart from that, well, nothing.

There were lots of 'fringe meetings' with organisations who were keen to be seen and heard at Labour Party conferences in the hope ministers would remember names in the future (which is why The Times's story last week about people paying to dine with ministers at fringe meetings is hardly a surprise, the metaphorical bungs had just gone corporate).

But to rank and file party members, they mean little. They know that they can attend all the meetings they want, but they won't really make a difference. There was a demand today for more to be spent building council homes - a solution to the 21st century first-time buyers crisis. The delegates voted 2 to 1 for action. Will it happen? No. The leadership opposed it and don't have to do anything if they don't want to. The leadership have stifled 40 attempts at a discussion on Trident.

So the conference has gone from being about 'conferring' with members, to simply being a showcase. How successful a showcase it is depends on how well the spin works. Tony Blair may well now get his legacy after what was a barmstormer masterclass of a speech. But what do members get out it? What do those rank and file members get out it, other than a temporary euphoria which disappears as soon as they're back in the real world. Or outside the security cordon.

It's also a showcase for the unions, charities, organisations and companies who want to get on the Government's good side. Take Ken Livingstone's fringe meeting about local government on Monday. First question, who did it come from? An MP? A councillor? A hardworking door knocker activist? No. It came from a suit representing the 'Institute of Town Planners.' Followed by a question from the Royal National Institute for the Blind. Honestly.

In Manchester last night, the suits were there in their hundreds. Buzzing off being at a conference. Pressing the flesh to get their quango/charity/organisation/company's view across. Loving the fact they're part of it.

Meanwhile, the ordinary member is left feeling disengaged from what is going on in their party. If they want a show, they go to the Palace Theatre and watch Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. It's cheaper, more entertaining, and probably a lot less predictable than the three weeks of farce the political parties call 'conference season.'

And they wonder why many of us no longer think they're in the real world.