Midnight matchmaking...

What's the point in your life when you'd think to yourself 'Things can get any worse for me?' Begging on the street? Waking up and worrying because you've no whiskey to have on cornflakes? Or genuinely beliving that your life will be better if you open your heart up about a relationship on the radio?

Ok, so I know it's only a few weeks since I last had a pop at local radio but really, have you hard 'Lovelines with Graham Torrington?' It appears to be syndicated on pretty much every radio station in the country late at night. There's nothing more annoying in the car than flicking between stations and hearing the same thing again and again. And Graham Torrington, or GT as he is known, takes it to a whole new level.

I stumbled across his show the other week when driving home after the late shift at work. I couldn't find any decent music so kept hitting the search button. Up until that point in my life, I thought the unshameable went on Jeremy Kyle (more on him in the future).

But oh no. There's late-night love phone ins. If you cringe when you hear 'Jonny in Toxteth wants to say how much he missed Molly from Woolton and hopes they can become a real-life Romeo and Juliet when he gets out of HMP Walton' type mentions on shows which play slow ballads to a)send people to sleep and b) keep Richard Marx in royalities, you'll hate GT's Lovelines.

GT's programme is interactive. With little music. With people who ring him up when he picks the discussion topic of 'our strangest fantasies.' Women called Sheryl, Beryl and Cheryl ring him up and talk out how they love firemen (queue jokes about hoses and poles) while Roger, Ricky and Roland queue up to tell about their Navy dream (submarines, anyone?)

That's all in 20-minute drive home. I only kept it on because it's preferrable to listening to the sound of car engine rattling, or Radio 1's late-night dance show - and often you can't tell the difference between the two.

But the point of no return in the 'has my life come to this stakes' came shortly after midnight. GT turns into the Midnight matchmaker. And reads out the profiles of several people who've put their details on Dating Direct, which sponsors the show. There was one the other night 'wants to meet someone who is a passionate Christian and a devotee of Italian food.' And they wonder why they end up on late night radio looking for a partner.

There's nothing wrong with online dating - I know lots of people for who it's been a roaring success. But to ask to have the details read out on the radio by husky GT and his midnight matchmakers, God help me, if things ever get that bad...