Talking balls

IT'S the little things that annoy me. Like the fact Shayne Ward has an autobiography out.

I can just about handle the fact that Charlotte Church has published one - after all, she was a child star. It just about gets through why Jordan/Kate Price has now published two - she basically set out to live her life for the second book as soon as the first one topped the charts.

But Shayne Ward? In the words of Ricky Gervais's funny character in Extras: "Are you having a laugh?"

Do you actually remember Shayne? I do, just. He's the shaven-haired chappie who won X-Factor last year, turned on Manchester's Christmas lights, got a festive number one and subsequently dropped of the face of the planet.

If you do remember him, here's another question to illustrate the point I'm trying to make (and this one isn't open to anyone in Shayne's fan club): Can you remember how any of his songs went?

On second thoughts, I'd best exclude South Africans from taking part in that second question, because according to Louis Walsh (appearing on Graham Norton's wickedly funny programme last week) 'Shayne's big in South Africa at the moment.'

It's not a year since Shayne won X-Factor - in fact, his successor winner (bound to be those MacDonald Brothers as Scotland rallies round and votes for it's musical Braveheart in the face of Simon Cowell's Longshanks assault from the judges' table.

Yet Shayne has written a whole book about what has happened since then. And because not a lot has - interesting to him, I'm sure - he's even charted his childhood.

Summed up like this: "His autobiography also reveals what life was like growing up as the youngest son in a large family in Clayton."

Are you going to want to read it? Am I? No more than I'd take advice on testicular cancer from him.

But then again, I've already had that, thanks to ITV2's incredibly bizarre 'Me and my Balls' talking heads programme, where Shayne - along with every other I'm-a-celebrity-future-contestant - talked openly about their privates in the mistaken belief they were raising awareness about testicular cancer.

Shayne's advice, by the way, was to tell all men they should regularly check for lumps. Because he's the man we all look up to, isn't he? Shayne Ward, the only man with a more effeminate voice than David Beckham, a voice so girly it makes you wonder whether he has any at all!

And I'll wager you this - that won't be in the book.